Hello, you’re speaking to Shannon at the Womanhood Club Customer Service Centre. How can I help you today?
Well, Shannon, I’d like to unsubscribe.
Oh, that’s not my department. To unsubscribe you’ll basically have to have an affidavit signed in the blood of three family members, one of whom must be a husband, and a religious leader of your choice, confirming that you are in fact dead. A seance may be required as further proof. But give me a minute while I pull up your profile, let’s see what we can do to sort this out – just a minute, my system is still loading.
No problem Shannon, take your time.
Oh, I see here that you’re currently on our Blue level, Tier 2, without VIP status, you don’t currently qualify for an upgrade. You just need another 50 points to get to Tier 3, and you’ll have to maintain that for at least 5 years before moving up to Tier 4. Then, just another 50 million points to reach Bronze level, where you’ll be eligible to give your opinion on four (4) separate occasions over the following ten (10) years without being talked over, provided you’ve maintained a healthy BMI over the previous 12 months (top tip, eating disorders get you extra points, that’s a hack I’m not supposed to tell you). You also need to ensure no visible root regrowth or aggressive political opinions. Also, do be aware that half your points expire at every birthday after the age of 30.
Wow. That seems quite complicated.
You can track your points activity on our app. Have you tried it? It’s really very intuitive once you learn the rules. Plus, it’s pink.
Where can I read about these rules? And yes, I did try the app. It kept crashing when I uploaded my profile pic.
Oh, yes that’s a feature designed to help our members on their journey to continuous improvement. I’d advise you to check out our newsletter for tips on how to get your profile pic to an acceptable level.
Huh. I see. Also, I’d like to ask about this charge on my bill for my club jacket. I didn’t order one.
Yes, that’s a complimentary benefit we offer to all our members, alongside a lifetime supply of modifying your behaviour to suit the sensibilities of others, at least 30 years of bleeding from the uterus (note that the management of this benefit does not form part of our club benefits), pain, both identified and mysterious, which brings several opportunities for character-building, vital practice in the womanly art of shutting up and smiling, motherhood, at a time and in a manner deemed suitable by our advisory board, carrying the weight of entire economies on your back (although this is reserved for our lower tier members), the chance to have your existence validated by randoms on a daily basis via verbal and physical sexual advances, providing another opportunity to learn about personal safety and appropriate conduct (yours), key money management skills that non-members who earn more than you do for the same job will never get the chance to experience, the freedom to express your sexuality, again, in a manner deemed suitable by our…
Imma stop you there, Shannon. This jacket. It was fluffy, it wasn’t free, I didn’t ask for it, it didn’t fit me, and had no fucking pockets, Shannon.
Unfortunately, as part of our terms and conditions, the jacket is compulsory. Have you read the terms and conditions?
No, I haven’t. Reason being, when I was signed up for this club, I couldn’t read yet, Shannon.
Ah, yes. Unfortunately, that’s how the system is set up.
Tell me the fuck about it, Shannon. Never mind the jacket then. These rules. Who sets them?
Our advisory board sets the club rules, but bear in mind they’re subject to change, depending on your region, the time period you happen to find yourself in, and also according to the random whims of both top-tier members and non-members who of course need to have their opinions heard too.
So let me get this straight. No way to unsubscribe. Benefits include, being ignored when I don’t want to be, not being ignored when I do want to be, endless bleeding which this club won’t help me with, pain which nobody cares about, very little reproductive choice, required conformity to nebulous, unrealistic and ever changing beauty standards, less money, statistically likely assault, and the responsibility of making sure I don’t cause anyone else to do bad things?
Yes! Plus a jacket. And an app. It’s pink.
Shannon, I’m not gonna lie, this seems a bit of a scam.
I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you’ll be happy to know that I AM now authorised to offer you a special deal from our bouquet, reserved for those who call in to this helpline with unreasonable complaints, when they really should be leaning in or getting something waxed or making somebody a sandwich.
Sigh. Okay. Tell me.
Well, at this level, I’m able to upgrade you to early menopause and guaranteed invisibility, provided you wear your dressing gown in public when buying milk. Your current points can be exchanged for… let me check… 6 cats. Can I sign you up?
Hell yes. Let’s do it Shannon.
Things I Forgot To Tell You 